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Each time I have to search for a new dental professional it is a nightmare. In most scenarios I can simply wear my own n95 mask and somewhat ignore what the other person does because I trust the protection of the n95. One-way masking is not 100% foolproof, but beggars cannot choose in this climate. Going to a dentist is one of the highest risk settings for the covid cautious because our mouths are wide open to anything that is airborne in the room. I have been to dental appointments where one of the dental team is coughing or sniffing. Covid can also be transmitted asymptomatically (asymptomatic infections apparently can account for up to 45% of the spread). Hence I request for the dental team to mask with n95s, and that is a very difficult ask in a world that is not informed with science. Nobody believes covid is a thing, nobody seems to know it can be transmitted asymptomatically, and worst of all nobody knows how airborne transmission works.

So most of the time they think I am nuts for making such a request. I guess I would think I am nuts too, if not for the ongoing existence of scientific journals and the very small covid cautious community. Sadly, the growing long covid community is also reaffirming my ongoing efforts to be covid cautious. People I personally know have also admitted that they are experiencing worrying symptoms since their infection.

Thanks to modern messaging I could simply text or email clinics and make my request. They could either accept or reject me and I could move on. But I was still severely stressed. I knew intellectually I was experiencing more stress than warranted. Having to explain myself over and over again to a disbelieving society exacerbates this stress.

This whole process is extremely triggering for me. I have trauma from my childhood when it comes to being disbelieved, being rejected, being ostracised, being minimised, having to over-explain, feeling small and weird. A lot of these comes with growing up neurodivergent, upon hindsight. Our society likes to penalise people for being odd, and kids suffer the brunt of it because they have not developed enough selfhood to defend themselves. “Why can’t you just be like others?”

Therefore being covid cautious is actually very triggering for me. Because it is the same traumatising feelings again: being disbelieved, being rejected, being ostracised, being minimised, having to over-explain, feeling small and weird. I believe at least 50% of my ongoing depressive feelings can be attributed to the ongoing pandemic. The feelings just keep occurring: over and over again. It doesn’t matter how much I age, how much I know I am justified. It is definitely better compared to my younger self, but still very stressful.

I think if not for my partner I would cease to exist in this world. What is the point of living in a world where I am obviously not a good fit for? Each passing day feels like misery. It is not just about my traumatic feelings, but also the lack of optimism and hope in a world that is full of denial and exclusion. Many people in this world likes to step on others to stand tall, and it continuously makes me sad.

I don’t know how I can be not depressed when the conditions are such. It would require a lot of deliberate ignorance and disassociating. Then I guess the question is: how do I make myself survive despite it all?

Thankfully I have gotten a number of positive responses from the select few clinics I messaged. There were also a couple of negative responses, but in the minority. Maybe there is some compassion in this world after all. Though part of me feels that this isn’t about compassion or accommodation, but rather science. To protect my health I have to be profiled as the hypochondriac or the sickly person even though I am probably physiologically healthier than many at this point. But I guess I still grateful to be profiled and accommodated rather than none. There are people in other countries who are getting ridiculed and gaslighted by their medical professionals, or their medical systems may not have given them a choice at all – so I will not complain.

There is so much loneliness and uncomfortable feelings that come with being covid cautious, but without my health I am nothing.

I’ve been reflecting a lot about my rejection sensitivity dysphoria, an perhaps of all my health conditions I consider this to be the most disabling for now. I can do a lot for my physical health, but there is very little to what I can do about my physiological reactions to stress and rejection. I feel like I was born with this neurological wiring. I just feel sensitive to everything. I have learnt to cope with it better as I age but it is still very exhausting. I don’t think it ever goes away – I just get better at putting layers over it. And sometimes, the layers crumble.

This world is not kind to people like me. We’re just perceived as weak. In a just world the weak gets more protection, but here we are just the butt of jokes. All my life I am simply told to just be stronger. I am the one with the character weakness and hence I must fix myself. Or else I do not deserve a place.

What is the point of this again?

I am so lucky to be with my partner, who sees my so-called weaknesses as strengths. But she can’t process my feelings for me, or prevent the pain I feel on a daily basis. Without her I don’t feel incentivised to be alive at all. I feel strangely amused when people insinuate I should earn my place – but to me it is like why?

Still I keep on going, hoping to find some insight or perhaps grow into someone else. It feels exhausting. I try to distract myself from the exhaustion. The veil doesn’t work all the time. I can only tell myself to learn to co-exist with my self, and to develop the compassion I need to endure being in this world.