Zach poked his head into my inbox the other day to offer a suggestion: What if we traded blog post titles? Included in the email was a link to a post he had read that inspired the idea.
Writing has felt like a particular slog lately, and so it didn't take much for me to acknowledge that this could be a fun exercise.[1] I told him yes, I want to do that. He told me, "Cool. Your title is 'To fluctuate is to exist as a human'," and I thought, Cool. That sounds like it's kinda totally my shit.
So here I am. I got some Woodkid caressing my eardrums. I got some candy in my tummy.[2] I got a sleepy puppy curled up on her bed like five feet from my chair. Life is good.
Life is also not so good. I think that's one of the shitty things about life: there's a lot of stuff going on in it, and sometimes it's hard to separate the good life from the bad life. Sometimes I feel guilty even thinking about the good amidst the bad.
A popular refrain for the moment: "Pursuing joy is an act of rebellion." It's hard to disagree with that, and so I've been doing my best to limit my exposure to dreadfulness. I know what my capacity for it is. I know what the anxiety feels like to drown in. I know what the rage feels like to stew in.
So I choose joy. I rebel. I decide when enough is enough. No one gets to have autonomy over my ability to do what's right for me. I pick my battles every single day in the hopes that I make it through this unscathed. I focus on the things I can control. I make things. I choose joy. I alone can't save the world, but I can make living in it a little bit more bearable for the people around me. Anything I do with that in mind is worth it.
I am disappointed by my inability to stick with a project. That familiar gnawing, that voice telling me that I'm stretching myself too thin. We were starting to hit a groove, my brain says. Now you want to write a screenplay? Now you want to take a sewing class? Now you want to start a podcast? What about the writing? Have you no shame? So much, Brain.[3] So much.
I am rejuvenated by the flurry of new creative energy. I made a new friend. I made a new friend in the midst of some of the most overwhelming loneliness I've felt in my life. Just months ago I was worried that I'm too old to even make them anymore. And poof! Now here she is. And poof! Now here we are. Something new. Something fun. Something nice. A bit of joy. A bit of making the world a bit better.
You ever gonna fucking grow up and settle down? Shut up. I belong in flux. The worst times in my life were when I let my fear keep me from embracing change.
My wife and I are planning a move to Europe. We're learning German. We're scared of what it'll mean to be somewhere so new, so different. We're more scared of what it'd mean to stay the same. Go now and see if it was all worth it rather than stay and wonder.
Life is good.
Life is not so good.
Life is good.
Life is good.
Life is good.
All of it's true.
Which is only a partial lie. I did experience a momentary bristling at the thought, mostly because I suddenly felt weirdly precious about taking a title from someone else? Like my Very Good Blog is some infallible tome that I am wholly responsible for? I dunno. It's hard to discern what exactly was happening in my brain. I had a weird human response and then a more rational human response-response. Point is, sometimes it's worth just sitting with something for a second and interrogating why you had the initial thought and if it's something worth going to the mat over. Like, Christ, I started this blog writing about fucking foldable phones and how stupid Steve Huffman is. Something I quickly pivoted away from because I never want to write another fucking tech blog ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever again!!! So, yeah, please, dear god, dumb brain, let me just say yes to stuff. This blog can be fluid and flexible and fun. It doesn't need to be a goddamned trove of deep, personal reflection every single time. NOT WHEN THE MOUNTAIN DEW REVIEW EXISTS. ↩︎
And I'm only mildly regretting the fact that I have, once again, had, like, one more piece of candy than I should have, and the ephemeral delight of chewy nougat covered in milk chocolate in my mouth isn't quite worth the persistent ache in my gut. Why do I always do this to myself! ↩︎
Almost wrote "Brian" here. "So much, Brian. So much." Lmao. ↩︎
