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While I've been putting tracks together for the past couple of years now finally getting things onto a platform where someone could potentially pay has brought it home that this is the most serious I've ever been about it. There is a duty of care to make things sound as good as I can within the confines of what I have.

I was supposed to have a CBT session on Monday in which I was due to suggest things that I specifically wanted help with. I was struggling to come up with anything beyond what we had already been talking about so, in a way, it's handy that I had to cancel.

My brain has been full – in a good way – and I've been too occupied to dwell on things, especially negatives. I needed this. I'm hesitant to call it a distraction as it's more finding enjoyment and purpose in doing something creative and productive, something just for me. Finding that sense of purpose in something, even if only for a while.

It's taken a while to write anything as I've still been mentally processing it.

The session was primarily a 'getting to know you' exercise with the new therapist, ensuring we were comfortable with each other, but we did talk about a few things.

One of the things that came up was my sense of frustration. I know and understand my mental state and how I should be able to alter it. I understand the psychological concepts at play yet I just don't seem to be able to follow the steps I know I should be taking. I suppose that's why one sees a therapist so can they help you along the journey.

We also discussed my possible autistic traits (not that she is an expert) and she mentioned how a lot of people who present with some kind of 'social anxiety' are actually responding to an autistic trigger like noise or lights. It's a lot more common than I expected.

The example she gave was someone at a wedding. They might be okay at the service as it is usually more sedate but might struggle at the reception where there are more people. Often, social anxiety is considered the cause but it may well be the extra noise, due to the more relaxed environment or a disco, or flashing lights from said disco.

Apparently, the key is to try things but give yourself permission to stop or leave at any point so as to remove an element of pressure going in.

I was pretty exhausted by the end of the hour as I was forcing myself to make eye contact (see here). but didn't want to seem rude in our very first session. I should have just explained from the outset and saved myself the worry. She's probably used to it.

I have my next two sessions already booked over the next month or so and hope to start some serious work.

Instead your world can't literaly be anything else than what you focus on. If you're focussing on being happy, coping and so on, chances are that your world "becomes" what you see.

Great advice.

I've not had anything to write about or felt a compulsion to post. Normally I would see that as a red flag (although probably way too late) that my mental health was on a downwards slide but I genuinely don't feel that is the case right now.

Tracy wrote about "reclaiming intentionality in browsing and blogging, being less passive with consumption and less reactive in her blogging. It's pretty much how I've been feeling about things recently.

I suspect my balance of intake is off: I need a greater amount of what I read to be something I've actively sought out ... To claim ownership of my attention, I should more proactively choose what I spend time thinking about.

So much this, although the irony of me reacting to that is not lost. 🙃

I realised that a couple of recent posts (wishing I was outside and wanting my UI to get out of the way) were both about feeling trapped in their own ways. I think that's part of my problem – feeling constrained within my limitations and wanting to spread my wings more creatively. I want to do something different or unique with the blog but don't know what.

It's the old excuse: I'll be able to do X when Y but X isn't really the problem. I can't match the vision or sound in my head – the old spectre of perfection.

I can't focus on music because I've told myself that the early 90's techno time warp I'm stuck in requires that Roland TR 909 sound so I 'need' a modern clone.

I'm painfully aware that writing about tinkering is just a surrogate for 'proper' posts. Now that I've been regaining my ability to focus I want to put it to good use again but am not sure how. I go back over old posts from my 'very social era' (2008-2011) and am still amazed at the passion and creativity on display. I need to get back to writing like that. Microposts and writing about code are all well and good but I miss the depth I used to have.

I want to regain that passion.

Part of my depression is a degree of apathy; the more I can focus and get excited about something the more I feel I'm on the right path. I do worry, however, that it's a mask and I'm just distracting myself.

And that's how I feel about all this in a wider context. Treatment and therapy don't magically make you a happy person. Instead, they mask the symptoms or provide better coping strategies, ways to head off the worst of it before it can take hold.

I'm not entirely sure how I feel about that.

On the one hand it's good to know that improvements can be made, that you can feel 'less bad', that you can manage your condition more effectively. But then there's knowing that, no matter how much treatment or therapy you have, the underlying condition is still there, may always be there, just less obvious to others and, maybe, yourself.