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Growing up through the 70s and into the 80s, there was no talk about neurodiversity. Although certain conditions had been described years before, they didn't enter into mainstream conversation until the late 80s/early 90s. Even then they were discussed with very negative connotations — disease, disorder.

I remember when the movie Rain Man came out depicting a specific instance of autism but all anyone talked about was savants as if that was the only way it affected people. The word autism was never used.

The early headlines about ADHD (or ADD as it was) described naughty, disruptive school boys who needed to be controlled.

As a young kid, I can remember being described as shy, awkward, nervous, a daydreamer, wouldn't shut up once you got me going about something, always had the energy to run everywhere rather than walk.

Later, I was called odd, weird, obsessive, dangerous, rebellious, nerdy, nuts, extra — a lot of negatives that fed how I saw myself and destroyed any self-esteem I might have had. These descriptions continued well into adulthood and I wore some of them as a badge of honour, almost as though I was trying to reframe and reclaim them for myself.

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Grow up. It's a phase. You're only doing it for attention. You'll get over it. Pay attention. Stop focusing on minor details. Do what you're told. Say something. Shut up. Just be normal!

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All my life, I suspected I was different but didn't know how or why. Everything going on in my head was just normal to me, it's how it had always been and I never knew any different. So being constantly told I was odd or weird created a cognitive dissonance I couldn't resolve.

At one stage, I thought I was bipolar, or manic-depressive as it was more commonly known. I could go from being the life and soul of the party to needing to get out and be on my own as though someone had flipped a switch.

I didn't understand myself or why I was how I was. I imagine that all of this uncertainty (combined with my parents splitting up when I was 11) triggered or, at least, heavily contributed to my mental health issues.

In turn, the depression initiated a feedback loop where apathy and self-loathing further fueled my "brokenness." Lows got lower and longer; highs became extreme but incredibly short-lived. Obsessions were all-consuming, reality an inconvenience.

I wrote somewhere recently about the whole "put away childish things" attitude. This was very much echoed in life. After I left school and got a job I had to stop doing things overnight that would have gotten me in trouble and sacked. The impulse was still there but I had to constantly fight it or find other ways of scratching that itch.

I became very good at mirroring others, behaving and talking as expected, and in accordance with the given situation. From the cleaners right up to CEOs, I could talk to someone in the manner I was supposed to.

I suppressed large parts of myself for so long, unable to be truly me for fear of getting in trouble or scaring people away. Constantly seeking external validation, bending myself in ways to better achieve it, but realising it all felt so hollow.

I felt hollow as a result.

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I didn't mean to write most of that; it just tumbled out onto the page.

I had specifically intended to emphasise the echo between everything in my head as a kid being "normal" and my experience in the ADHD assessment.

When we got to the end of the assessment I really didn't know what to expect. I've known that I have certain ADHD traits for a while ¹ but not how deep. A lot of what I said just felt normal rather than indicators of any neurodivergence. I've always said that I am inattentive rather than hyperactive, so it was a surprise when the assessor said that I ticked all the boxes for inattentiveness, impulsivity, and hyperactivity.

As I wrote before, that it was so obvious to the assessor that I was also autistic — and having to deal with the internal conflict the two create — was a welcome relief // surprise. This week was only focused on ADHD, but that validation almost brought me to tears.

The right kind of external validation.

I think that getting used to this is going to take a while longer. It is a real thing in me that explains a lot but cannot be a crutch or catch-all excuse.