It's been pretty quiet here for the past few days. I've not had anything to write about or felt a compulsion to post. Normally I would see that as a red flag (although probably way too late) that my mental health was on a downwards slide but I genuinely don't feel that is the case right now.
Tracy wrote about "reclaiming intentionality in browsing and blogging, being less passive with consumption and less reactive in her blogging. It's pretty much how I've been feeling about things recently.
I suspect my balance of intake is off: I need a greater amount of what I read to be something I’ve actively sought out … To claim ownership of my attention, I should more proactively choose what I spend time thinking about.
So much this, although the irony of me reacting to that is not lost. 🙃
I realised that a couple of recent posts (wishing I was outside and wanting my UI to get out of the way) were both about feeling trapped in their own ways. I think that's part of my problem – feeling constrained within my limitations and wanting to spread my wings more creatively. I want to do something different or unique with the blog but don't know what.
It's the old excuse: I’ll be able to do X when Y but X isn’t really the problem. I can't match the vision or sound in my head – the old spectre of perfection.
I can't focus on music because I've told myself that the early 90's techno time warp I'm stuck in requires that Roland TR 909 sound so I 'need' a modern clone.
I'm painfully aware that writing about tinkering is just a surrogate for 'proper' posts. Now that I've been regaining my ability to focus I want to put it to good use again but am not sure how. I go back over old posts from my 'very social era’ (2008-2011) and am still amazed at the passion and creativity on display. I need to get back to writing like that. Microposts and writing about code are all well and good but I miss the depth I used to have.
I want to regain that passion.
Part of my depression is a degree of apathy; the more I can focus and get excited about something the more I feel I'm on the right path. I do worry, however, that it's a mask and I'm just distracting myself.
And that's how I feel about all this in a wider context. Treatment and therapy don't magically make you a happy person. Instead, they mask the symptoms or provide better coping strategies, ways to head off the worst of it before it can take hold.
I'm not entirely sure how I feel about that.
On the one hand it's good to know that improvements can be made, that you can feel 'less bad', that you can manage your condition more effectively. But then there's knowing that, no matter how much treatment or therapy you have, the underlying condition is still there, may always be there, just less obvious to others and, maybe, yourself.
@colinwalker really enjoyed this post. Very much appreciated the honesty. I have found myself in similar creative wastelands though, thankfully, none of it having to do with being in a depressed state. Usually I just churn. Spin my wheels. Until whatever it is I am trying to give birth to arrives, if it ever does. Sometimes it's just churn. I see your post as that churn having turned a corner for you. I hope that is true. Hope you are feeling better.