Worth
Perhaps my biggest problem with the depression is the notion of self-worth, hence the need to have my word for 2020 as self-compassion. I feel stuck in a rut because I so often feel unable to do anything different, unworthy of better.
A lot of it stems from my situation at work but there is also a fast-flowing undercurrent from various things in my life, especially from when I was younger.
Despite feeling trapped I'm constantly reminded that I am the most technical person on my team who everyone else comes to with questions. I get strong end of year reviews even if I sometimes just go through the motions. Yet, it doesn't feel good enough despite my employer seeming to disagree.
My wife also tells me that I'm good enough, frequently, and that she hates to see me struggle, hates to see me anxious over things that shouldn't affect me, or that I back away from others because that little voice inside says I can't do them.
She wants me to listen more to others rather than that voice.
Even coming back to something as simple or fundamental as the blog I always want to do more, do better, do this, do that, do!
I was flicking through Julian Summerhayes' Patreon page and saw an apology for "the paucity of material" - he just hadn't written anything. There were no excuses merely an acceptance that stuff sometimes gets in the way. He asked if this acceptance makes us lazy or whether that word reinforces the idea of "doing as the only way of being."
Doing as the only way of being.
Think about it.
I've heard that before but it's never affected me in the same way as it did today, never had the same impact. I was taken back to a few days ago, writing about the conflict between "being happy with where you are and wanting to improve." To improve, to progress requires one to do something bigger, better, greater, at least that's how we see it, how it seems in out heads. How do you be more without doing more?
This is the trap we constantly find ourselves in: the need to get, gain, acquire. Instead, to be is literally just that: to be. Being better doesn't require more, doesn't require doing, it just just needs us to take a step back and assess, acknowledge, accept.
If doing results from being then great, but it doesn't automatically make us better.
# And now, all that's running through my head is "Wars not make one great" - Yoda.
