I had a good CBT session with my therapist yesterday after a bit of an enforced break as I couldn't make the last one. It was very positive and upbeat reflecting the lift in my mood over the past month or so.
It's no coincidence that the improvement has come since I've been working so much on the music. Having something to focus on, indulging a passion, something for just me, has reinjected a necessary sense of (almost what you could call) purpose that I don't get from work.
It's not just about getting to a good place but maintaining it once you're there.
When I said that my brain has been too full (in a good way) for negative thoughts etc. to rattle around and take hold I wasn't sure if she'd get what I meant. She did, replying that a full brain is a rewarded brain.
I've mentioned in the past that I can get very obsessive over things, doing them to the exclusion of others. That obsession runs its course and is then done. One day I can be perfectly happy doing X but wake up the next unable to do so – no matter how I try. It's like my brain says "I'm done with that, we're doing this now." I want to go left but my brain goes right and I have no say in the matter, just carried along on the journey.
She didn't claim to understand how my brain works and why it does this but said I need to accept the changes and go with the flow. I know that a lot of my problems come from fighting it, and then resenting it. That's part of what makes my mood and emotions fall off a cliff. If need to trust my brain and believe it's doing what's best for me even if I don't understand why.
If I took nothing else from the session she urged me to remember that kindness, honesty, and acceptance (to, with and of myself) lead to self-compassion. Which is what I've always be very bad at.
That's a good place to start.
