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I struggled with this morning's meditation; the different layers of thought kept bubbling up and conflicting.

It's strange how you can think multiple things at once.

You have your intentional, guided thoughts, the ones at the forefront of your mind like talking to yourself in your head. But then there is the automatic layer of thought - the unintentional - where the mind seemingly does what it wants.

It is obviously this second layer that we are trying to quiet with meditation, hoping to override it, drown it out with the intentional.

It never really goes away, we just hope to ignore it until it settles and doesn't impose itself.

We usually don't notice that second layer when we are busy, we are too focused on doing whatever it is we have to do. The intentional layer occupies our thoughts as we go about our day.

When we are quiet and still, however, that deeper voice rises, an undercurrent with its swirls and eddies invading your senses like a babbling brook on a peaceful summer's day.

Is this the voice of the subconscious?

#bypen

I look at my new notebooks with, perhaps, a little trepidation.

I am determined to write more by hand, to slow down and spend time with my thoughts. But I want to do them justice.

I have seen if said that it is better to buy cheap - that way you're not afraid to make a mess of it. Or less afraid.

Getting away from this mindset as soon as possible is key. Making a mark on the pristine paper, anything at all, will break the spell.

After all, I'm not a medieval monk transcribing manuscripts with a need for exactitude; I'm just a regular guy scribbling down his thoughts.

#bypen

It's almost Christmas but it's weird, it hasn't really felt like it because the weather has turned so mild. It doesn't even feel like winter.

But getting all the presents wrapped and smelling the Christmas cake cooking yesterday started to get things back on track and our family Christmas Eve traditions will kick in later.

It's funny sometimes how our emotions and feelings are guided by our preconceptions and expectations.

I can't remember the last time I saw a white Christmas. Yet, even though the chances of getting one where I live are always slim, we still associate snow with Christmas.

We've been programmed by media and marketing to adhere to this romanticised vision of the holidays even if we know we aren't going to get it. Yes, it usually gets cold but that's about as far as it goes.

It's like comparing our lives to those we follow on social networks - believing that the stories they tell are truth when they are, in fact, carefully curated impressions.

But we don't mind, we play along with this perfect vision of Christmas because it's the one time of year we feel it could actually come true.

#bypen

Patrick Rhone linked to a piece by Sarah K Peck on "silence, stillness and community" and I was so taken with it that I started to digest more of her blog.

In her previous post she writes about finding "something that turned my mind upside down."

Through detailing what it was that moved her so she became the catalyst for my own "something."

Consider this:

"It’s a relationship with the work that allows for the mystery to stay in the process. For the tantalizing feeling of not knowing, for the delight in the exploration."

And I realised where I've been going wrong. It cemented something in my mind that I've been skirting around but not fully grasping.

Sarah quotes that when we force ourselves into a routine the "discipline itself, not the creative outflow, becomes the point."

Yes, we need discipline to achieve our goals but forcing it upon ourselves above all else can be detrimental; we can end up resenting it and our work suffers as a consequence.

When I remarked that posting every day wasn't for everyone I didn't go far enough but Sarah's words hammered the point home.

There has to be a reason for showing up beyond doing so just to keep a streak going.

We need the mystery.

We don't need to gamify our lives in order to feel a sense of accomplishment; we need to reconnect with that delight, with the thrill of exploration when charting an uncertain course.

We need to spark the fires of curiosity and adventure, even in the mundane or routine, because there is a purpose for doing it.

If the only reason we can find is "because it must be done" then maybe we are on the wrong path and can no longer hear our inner-self shouting and screaming about its passions.

We must reconnect with that voice as, only then, will we remember why we do any of this at all.

#bypen

Being off work for such a long period opens up a lot of thinking time I wouldn’t normally get.

This can be a double edged sword.

On the one hand I’ve had time to add functionality to the blog, read more and take an online course but, on the other, I’ve had the capacity to really examine what I’ve been doing for the past 18 months.

I think I've reached one of those junctures where I'm not entirely sure what I want to do or achieve with my online presence.

It happens from time to time and I've been through various phases in the past 14 years or so, wanting to be or accomplish different things.

I know one thing: social media is not the way I want to spend my time. Returning to social would be doing so just for the sake of it, not because it would actually achieve anything. It's not as though I would be using it as a tool to promote something more worthwhile.

I'm not running a business or promoting a product or book, using it as a customer service avenue or outreach tool.

No, I would be simply posting status updates for the purpose of posting status updates. And without a goal or plan even my blogging is starting to feel a little empty.

I have no need to modify the site or develop new functionality - I'm very happy with how it looks and works - so "getting meta" is not currently an option. Although that can only be a viable one for so long.

I think my desire to make a difference is actually down to wanting to achieve something worthwhile, something of value. Not financially but creatively.

I want to produce something that stands out, stands alone; something I can be truly proud of. Instead I just scrawl angst-ridden words on to a page - words about nothing in particular.

I dance around the matter rather than actually doing something about it. But therein lies the problem: I don't know the what or how.

If I did I'd be doing it already!

#bypen

(I wrote this last night while unable to sleep and was unsure of whether I should post it. But I decided not to censor myself and the best way to hold myself accountable is to put it out there.)