02/02/2023

2023/02/02#p1

6 comments: click to read or leave your own

One of the biggest (if not the biggest) manifestations of my depression is the voice in my head telling me I'm not good enough. It's there almost all the time and, no matter how well I do something, I always end up believing it and enter negative feedback loops, plummeting into downward spirals.

The cliché is that we are our own worst critics (and enemies) but when you're coming from a position of mental illness that seems to get amplified many times over.

Even when I succeed in something the voice says "but it could still be better." My self-confidence has diminished over the years when it should be the other way round as I grow into certain areas and abilities. This self-doubt is what really annoys my wife most when she says "you're good at X" and I play the ventriloquist's dummy while the voice replies "no, not really."

I had my latest session with the psychiatrist this morning and he was happy with the progress I have been making since stopping the quetiapine. The mood swings have reduced (they're still there, just not as severe) and the promethazine is really helping me sleep. There's less brain fog and I am able to concentrate more (hyblog and everything I've been doing this year is testament to that) so, after discussing the negative thoughts above, he feels that the time is right to refer me to one of the therapists for some CBT.

(b)log-In works (and I'm super proud of it) and hyblog has been fun to experiment with, but my code is messy and inefficient, cobbled together as ideas emerge. The voice says "It's crap and there's no way you could charge anyone for using anything you put together."

I don't do anything online for money – I want to learn and explore and help others. As I naturally discover more I want to share my thoughts and ideas. So, I've decided to take the alternative route of setting up a 'buy me a coffee' account. 1 Maybe I'll also go the GitHub sponsorship route.


  1. no, that's not a hint 

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abc says:Reply to abc

@colinwalker Thank you for sharing. It speaks well of you in my opinion.

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Colin Walker replied:

Thank you David 🙏

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UndamnedOne says:Reply to UndamnedOne

@colinwalker Thank you for sharing this. I bought a book, “Transforming Negative Self-Talk”, more than a few years ago. It’s still on the shelf waiting for me to read it. My inner monologue, of course, berates me for never having read it! LOL I guess. The struggle sure is real.

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Colin Walker replied:

The irony is not lost. 😆

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circustiger says:Reply to circustiger

@colinwalker Hi Colin - I'm new to micro.blog, and you were one of the first people I stumbled across. You write with such candour about your condition, and I wanted to thank you for sharing. I know the voice well, too - some days it can be impossible to silence.

I hope that you're doing okay.

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Colin Walker replied:

Thanks Sarah, that means a lot.

And thanks for creating a wonderful picture in the "How many people have truly seen you?" post.

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2023/02/02#p2

7 comments: click to read or leave your own

Bug fixes aside, hyblog is done! I don't want to continue adding things to it as the whole concept was about keeping it simple.

If I have an idea for something, it makes sense and doesn't introduce any complexity then I might consider it. I may also consider feature requests as long as they fit with the project ethos.

I could have added webmentions but deliberately chose not to. Outgoing mentions would have been simple using the same library as (b)log-In. I could have repurposed the endpoint for incoming mentions, just with a change to checking the target URL and then writing the comment because of using files rather than a database.

All the hard work has already been done but I still decided against it.

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Annie says:Reply to Annie

@colinwalker Hyblog looks really cool. Love the concept.

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Colin Walker replied:

Thanks Annie. It was just an experiment to create something reasonably simple that doesn't use a database and has turned out quite well.

Oh, and I loved the POV piece, brings back memories.

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AndySylvester says:Reply to AndySylvester

@colinwalker awesome! Now I need to get MyStatusTool in Github this weekend, then try an install of your tool....fun!

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Colin Walker replied:

Any questions just ask. Raise an issue or mail me. 👍

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Kevin says:Reply to Kevin

Colin; Have you come across any issues with hyblog with the login process?

I was able to install is on my shared hosted, and use it successfully, but if I get logged out of a session or try to log in from another location, my user name and/or password return as invalid.

Nothing to indicate what the issue is, other than the error_log reading out:

[04-Feb-2023 23:04:48 UTC] PHP Notice: Undefined variable: BB8wpO in /home/tueih605/log.kvl.me/config.php on line 6 [04-Feb-2023 23:09:29 UTC] PHP Notice: Undefined variable: mKhc7NMmV39xe3BbSWaXRevimgeKsmpEdt6tmQ in /home/tueih605/log.kvl.me/config.php on line 6

At one point it was returning the errors as above, but for all of the strong after the ‘$’ in the variable so I thought it was related to the ‘$’, but after trying again this error doesn’t have any logic to it.

I would have posted this on GitHub but I don’t have an account there.

No worries if the error is localized to me, but I figured it wouldn’t hurt to inquire

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Colin Walker replied:

Hi Kevin. So sorry, stupid mistake on my part. I'll drop you a mail.

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Kevin says:Reply to Kevin

No need for sorry. Thanks for your work.

Longer reply via email at some point this week.

Cheers!

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Colin Walker Colin Walker colin@colinwalker.blog