One of the biggest (if not the biggest) manifestations of my depression is the voice in my head telling me I'm not good enough. It's there almost all the time and, no matter how well I do something, I always end up believing it and enter negative feedback loops, plummeting into downward spirals.
The clichÃ© is that we are our own worst critics (and enemies) but when you're coming from a position of mental illness that seems to get amplified many times over.
Even when I succeed in something the voice says "but it could still be better." My self-confidence has diminished over the years when it should be the other way round as I grow into certain areas and abilities. This self-doubt is what really annoys my wife most when she says "you're good at X" and I play the ventriloquist's dummy while the voice replies "no, not really."
I had my latest session with the psychiatrist this morning and he was happy with the progress I have been making since stopping the quetiapine. The mood swings have reduced (they're still there, just not as severe) and the promethazine is really helping me sleep. There's less brain fog and I am able to concentrate more (hyblog and everything I've been doing this year is testament to that) so, after discussing the negative thoughts above, he feels that the time is right to refer me to one of the therapists for some CBT.
(b)log-In works (and I'm super proud of it) and hyblog has been fun to experiment with, but my code is messy and inefficient, cobbled together as ideas emerge. The voice says "It's crap and there's no way you could charge anyone for using anything you put together."
I don't do anything online for money – I want to learn and explore and help others. As I naturally discover more I want to share my thoughts and ideas. So, I've decided to take the alternative route of setting up a 'buy me a coffee' account. 1 Maybe I'll also go the GitHub sponsorship route.
no, that's not a hint ↩