# I’ve not been a member of a library since I was a kid so this feels a little weird, but I’m determined to not let it be like a gym membership that is full of good intentions but never gets used.
# I struggled with this morning's meditation; the different layers of thought kept bubbling up and conflicting.
It's strange how you can think multiple things at once.
You have your intentional, guided thoughts, the ones at the forefront of your mind like talking to yourself in your head. But then there is the automatic layer of thought - the unintentional - where the mind seemingly does what it wants.
It is obviously this second layer that we are trying to quiet with meditation, hoping to override it, drown it out with the intentional.
It never really goes away, we just hope to ignore it until it settles and doesn't impose itself.
We usually don't notice that second layer when we are busy, we are too focused on doing whatever it is we have to do. The intentional layer occupies our thoughts as we go about our day.
When we are quiet and still, however, that deeper voice rises, an undercurrent with its swirls and eddies invading your senses like a babbling brook on a peaceful summer's day.
Is this the voice of the subconscious?
Wonderful thoughts here. I wonder if instead of overriding that second voice, meditation might invite you to observe it, not letting it dominate, but letting it be; a subtle visitor offering something that might be of use.
@colinwalker Thanks for sharing this - very thoughtful and honest. colinwalker.blog/06-01-201...
I’m actually writing a follow-up post along similar lines.
Thinking more on the subconscious, creatives strive to access it, use it as a tool, a source of ideas that they can't access from the conscious mind that has been programmed to follow the rules. They struggle to reach it and plumb its depths. Meditation seeks to go the other way, to silence the chatter but, ironically, when we try to be silent, to be still, this is the time when we encounter it most. Could this be useful? As Bryan commented:
How long have authors, poets, painters, musicians used drink or drugs to break down the barriers? Tried anything to open themselves to the subconscious and the treasures it holds. What if meditation is a better gateway? What if, rather than stifling the subconscious voice, we encourage it, let its ideas invade our thoughts. What could we do with it?
Considering my health issues recently, I saw this piece about a woman's challenge to not speak for a week and was, obviously, very interested. The author remarks that not speaking, or not communicating in any form (she also only wrote 189 words by way of communication to other people) allowed her brain to engage more quickly without the distraction of conversation and to also listen more intently as she was not focusing on her response. Despite these benefits, however, the experience of not talking made her "feel incredibly alone" - something I can certainly attest to. Although you are present physically, not being able to join in with conversations is intensely frustrating. The piece closed with the below:
While there are some commonalities her experience differed to mine in one key respect: it was voluntary. This was something she chose to do rather than something that was imposed upon her. And that distinction is vital. Being a conscious decision to not speak means there is an element of control, of adventure and discovery. Even if there is a negative side to that discovery it is easier to accentuate the positives. With that control removed, even though there may be some positive aspects, I have been left feeling like a prisoner in my own body at times. One thing mentioned in the piece was the "mind noise" experienced due to not talking which echoes what I recently wrote about the subconscious voice and how it is largely obscured when we go about our normal day, but is loudest when we try to be silent. Spending a lot more time with my thoughts is most likely what has pushed me down the path towards philosophy and meditation, which can only be a good thing. Regardless of the reason for not talking, one thing for certain is that it makes us reconsider what we say, how we say it and whether we need say it all. 1 I am in total agreement with the author on that point. And that is something we could all benefit from.
As my voice has started to recover I have also had to become economical with what I say so as not to overdo it. ↩
As I've said before, I use music to help me sleep - not any music but minimal ambient, repeating patterns, monotonous drones, that kind of thing. It's like white noise, background sounds to kill the silence. It's not that the music lulls you to sleep but that it's actually a distraction. The noise fills the emptiness and gives the mind something to focus on, thus preventing the subconscious voice from taking over. It is the subconscious voice, chattering about anything and everything, that stops you from sleeping. The more I read up on T'ai Chi the more I like the ideas behind it. It is full body meditation and I think that's why the Qigong breathing exercise added to the end of my normal session worked so well. 1 At first glance, meditation seems to be concerned with just silencing the mind, whereas T'ai Chi teaches us to occupy the mind so how can it be "full body" meditation? When you consider it further, meditation is actually using the distraction method - usually by focusing on your breath. By always returning to breath you are filling your mind with the thought, feeling and sensation of that regular pattern. You are trying to use this focus to deny the subconscious voice your attention. T'ai Chi is the ultimate distraction. It's not just about breathing (although that is a part of it) but also filling your mind with a mental image of your actions and not trying to empty it. You load your thoughts with how your body feels, how it moves and flows, where it ends and where the world beyond begins. The greater the distraction the harder for the subconscious voice to push through, hence why some recite a mantra to aid their meditation - it is an extra layer to occupy the mind and prevent rogue thoughts from manifesting. A literal translation of mantra would be "instrument of thought" but it has also been interpreted as "by the repetition of which the mind becomes free of external experiences" - a distraction! It is this oneness of mind and body that attracts me so deeply.
In fact, last night I did a full 10 minute session as a replacement for my seated meditation. ↩