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Thinking further about thinking I was contemplating how my meditation on and use of language has changed over the years. How, as an upstart twenty-something, my use of vocabulary was more audacious and attention seeking. I would never think to write something like "my predilection for pathos" now – it just wouldn't occur to me. I suppose I've grown out of that phase of life; I'd like to think I grew out of it a long time ago but would probably be only fooling myself.

An interesting question remains: has my vocabulary shrunk because I no longer spend ages trawling through a thesaurus for the perfect synonym or, in my earlier years, was it artificially inflated because of that very practice? Probably the latter based on how often I would re-use such words – i.e. almost never.

One thing is certain: I spend less time thinking than I used to. Proper, deep thinking. Real getting-to-grips-with-things thinking. It's a shame.

Although I am working on the longer project it still feels like I am taking the quick route down "instant gratification highway" rather than parking up and staying in a motel, not caring how long it will take to get there. I may have written more for a single thing than at any time of my life (probably even including the failed sci-fi novel in my late teens/early twenties) but it still doesn't feel enough. Maybe I'm just being too hard on myself – it's a first draft after all.

I imagine this is why I've vowed to read a lot more this year, to feel like I am challenging myself intellectually, to force myself to dive deeper rather than just wade in the shallows. Maybe I'm just expecting too much, and as always, too quickly.

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