But what then?
Even if I did have the luxury of saying "that's enough" what would come next?
Maybe it's because we've come off the back of a long weekend and I always feel worse returning after extra time off, no matter how little extra that may be. Still, it illustrates just how little my job means to me: it's only a meal ticket.
I need to start doing something with my life that is fulfilling, something worthwhile.
That's a question I seem to ask myself a lot.
I want to write more. But what?
I want a new job, something that feels like it makes a difference while still paying the bills. But what?
The problem is I've never known, at least not beyond sweeping vagueries. I need something that helps define me, something that speaks to who I truly am - not just "blogger".
"That's the nice thing about the present. It keeps showing up to give you a second chance."
From Stillness is the Key by Ryan Holiday.
@colinwalker …is a show whose new season I can't watch because my cable doesn't have PopTV?
I was going to skip the morning pages today as I was tired but caught myself and thought "No!" I need to show up, need to keep the discipline. I can't keep allowing myself to let things slip just because it's hard or inconvenient or I don't feel like it. One day at a time... Writing that sentence yesterday had a double meaning. It was to reflect that I had switched the blog's home page to the more ephemeral Daily View (although I may need to tweak the logic a bit more.) It was also about literally taking one day at a time to get through all of this (external and internal), to keep going and not give in to the doubt and frustration. One day at a time... That's all you can do. You can't live tomorrow until it comes and yesterday has already gone and cannot be lived again. Today is all that we can do, today is all that we have. We can look back with contentment or regret but it doesn't change anything. We can plan ahead but there is no guarantee those plans will come to fruition. There is only now. One day at a time... And that's enough.
@colinwalker it’s funny because I was thinking the same today. Microsoft Teams meetings, phone calls, and more emails than necessary are making me crazy. I told my girlfriend, “Let’s run away, start a coffee shop and work like hell.” The truth is I still love what I do.
@jwhevans Then you're a lucky man.
@colinwalker yes I am. Two years ago I went through a bad case of burnout and spent a few weeks in a psychiatric hospital. It ended up being one of the best things that ever happened to me. Things didn’t get better immediately. In fact they got much worse first. I wouldn’t suppose to know what you are going through nor to imply that your situation is anything like mine. I have a feeling that you will find what you are looking for though.
@jwhevans Sorry to hear that but it also sounds like it did you some good - positive from the negative. Thanks, I'm sure I will eventually. Things need to change but it's finding the mechanism to make it happen.
I think that the problem of your writing is that it is always writing about writing and not writing about some other stuff: phenomena, "direct" scenes of life and so on, it's always "meta". But "meta" needs underlying material (=stuff = phenomena, scenes..).
You're right. 100%. I just need to find something to write about.
Don't give up, Colin. There's something for you.
Have you asked your wife, kids, and friends what they think you should be doing? Often it's hard for us to be objective about the things we are good at and gravitate towards. We only tend to see the box we've been in up till now.
By the way, I've just sent you a link to job role that you might be interested in.
I feel the same way much of the time, found myself nodding along with this. But on second thought, maybe being just a meal ticket is ok? I have enough freedom/money/time to pursue other things and can mostly leave the job "at work" after my 40 hours/week is up. Or maybe I'm just telling myself that. I go back and forth.
Reply to: 26/05/2020, 17:15 – Colin Walker I need to start doing something with my life that is fulfilling, something worthwhile. The lockdown has given us a pretty unique perspective on what is important and what is not, particularly in terms of how we spend our time. I am at much the same place as you Colin, and it feels like this is a moment in life in which to re-evaluate, an opportunity not to be missed. But as to what to change, and how, I don’t know. I hope you find your way…
@colinwalker there must be a lot of people thinking this way. For me, all this coincided with a planned change, but the situation frustrated that. So, I’ve been pretty quiet for 3 months (even for me) using the time and space to work something else out. We’ll see, but things have changed whatever.