In a brief exchange with my manager's manager I made some enquiries as to other roles within his wider world in the organisation. There were no immediate vacancies but he replied that I could look into other opportunities, it would just help if he knew what I wanted to do.

Therein lies the rub.

The corporate world is design for everything to have a function - a place for everything and everything in its place - you have to be something and get paid according to what that something actually is. Everyone is a cog in the well oiled machine.

Part of me wants to scream "anything but this" but I doubt that would go down too well as you must demonstrate passion and commitment. It's easier to know what you don't want than what you do want but that's also a very negative way of framing the whole question.

At times I wonder what I could achieve if I didn't have to work. How much could I get done? How far could I develop? Past experience would suggest not much, not far, but I'm likely being unfair: my only period of unemployment was forced upon me by redundancy and accompanied by the existential crises of who am I, what can I do, and how can I pay the bills. What if I was in a position where I didnt need to work, or only needed to do something simple and part time? What could I do then?

I suppose this is why some religiously buy lottery tickets, not necessarily for the money itself but for what having that money allows you to do, what it means you don't have to do. They say money can't buy you happiness but it can remove certain sources of unhappiness. What you do then is up to you.

And then part of me says "just start doing it, whatever it is you want to do - don't waste the time you have got, make good use of it!" Good advice which I should really heed. I get caught up in meaningless stuff, filler activities, when I could be doing something more worthwhile. There's always "something else" or that something else needs to be done soon so why start if I'm just going to be interrupted. The perfect procrastinator's mindset. One I need to escape from.

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